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Where do lesbians [really] meet?
By Amy Teeple and Bixi B. Craig
The question “Where do lesbians meet?” has been uttered and pondered by many single lesbians, by the coupled
friends of unattached lesbians who are trying to help them find a mate, and by people who are just trying to figure
out how the whole “gay thing” works. If you turn to movies for your answer, you may think that lesbians meet in gay
friendly coffee shops while having their term papers reviewed by their roommates, as Max and Ely did in Go Fish. Or
perhaps you will surmise that lesbians meet by coincidence in their apartment building as Syd and Lucy did in High
Art. There is always the chance that you will believe that lesbians meet while one of them is working at a gas station
and the other needs air in her tire as shown in the Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love. Better than
Chocolate fans may think that lesbians meet when one drives up in her van and saves the other from being
harassed. Depending on the movie selected, the possibilities are endless.
It turns out that reality is not too different than the movies in the fact that lesbians meet each other in various
locations. While not all the places lesbians meet may make a great movie scene, some of the places may shock, at
least surprise you.
According to the women
The Lavender Lens conducted a survey during Pride weekend 2004 and between February 15 and March 24, 2005,
asking women where they met their current or former partners.
The emphasis was on past or current relationships, regardless of length, but excluding dating situations and one-
night-stands. The participants – 108 total – represented all age groups, ranging from teens to slightly older women.
We categorized the responses into what we had assumed to be the most common locations where lesbians in San
Diego would find each other: Internet, Bar/Club, Coffee Shop, Groups/Community Events, School/Work, Blind Date,
Through Friends, and Other.
An analysis of all responses discloses that only 7% of the women who had entered relationships had met online. The
relationships that formed after coffee shop encounters represented only 1%, blind dates leading to partnerships only
comprised 4%. Groups and community events, including places such as church, coming out groups, LGBT student
unions, 12-step programs, Dyke March, etc. made up 11%. Meeting through friends was an equally common response
at 11%. Chance meetings at school and at work accounted for 10% of all respondents.
Surprisingly, close to one out of four participants (22%) met at the bar. We had expected bars, clubs, lounges, etc. to
be joints where casual affinities, such as dating and one-night-stands would come out of, rather than partnerships.
Researchers and lesbian relationship experts generally don’t recommend bars as domains to find the future wife.
“Where you go is what you get. Bars are not good hunting grounds if you want a successful relationship. In a bar, the
odds increase that you’ll find someone with a drinking problem and no life. Instead, find regularly scheduled
activities where you can meet and talk to like-minded people, getting to know them a bit before you decide to date
them. Classes, sports teams, lessons, hobby groups, community service organizations, discussion groups and
church groups are all likely places. If you go to places with activities that interest you, then anyone else you find
there will automatically have something in common with you – the activity. It gives you a great starting place for
conversation. If you know the type of person you’re looking for, and go to the right places to meet them, you’ll be
successful before you know it,” states Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist with over 25 years
experience in counseling and author of 11 books.
The category “Other”, representing all encounters that didn’t fit any of the main categories, by far outnumbered all
others. 35% of all women who responded to the survey had met their girlfriends or past partners in extraordinary
places. The survey reveals that each story is incredibly unique, although there are some meeting points that San
Diego lesbians share. The following are some of the tales that should give any single lesbian hope that there is a
relatively high chance that she will meet her life partner in a random place, a place that is only right for them at the
perfect time.
I was taking scuba lessons, and I met her outside the scuba place in Miramar. Walking out with my scuba equipment.
We locked eyes. Three months later she showed up at the Alano club for Bingo. She was a Bartender at the Flame.
My partner and I met back in 1998 at a meeting of Slightly Older Lesbians (now defunct). The group planned a
camping trip for the following week. She went with another member who was a friend. I went with a friend, as well.
We got together that weekend and have been together since. In fact, we celebrate that day as our anniversary
instead of our "wedding" date at MCC.
We met at a drum circle at Blacks Beach.
I met my ex-girlfriend when we were both studying abroad. I was assigned to a flat with four other girls and she
happened to be one of them.
She was my neighbor in L.A. in 1994. She lived three streets away from me. In San Diego, I wouldn’t consider her ‘my
neighbor’ but it’s a common thing in L.A. I lived with a gay man and his boy toys. When I saw Liz around, it was instant
attraction. If I remember correctly, we had a mutual acquaintance who introduced us to each other. I ended up
moving in and out of her place for a while.
She became the ex-girlfriend of my straight male roommate. She spent the night with him and after he left for work, I
served her coffee the next morning. Turns out she’s bi.
We met in a strip bar.
She worked at the Burlington Outlet in Clairemont, close to where I lived temporarily. I took many trips there, getting
random things I didn’t need. Eventually, I had the balls to ask her out. We were together for almost a year.
We met on the boardwalk, I was skating by on my skateboard, she was sitting on the seawall.
I met my girlfriend at the restaurant I worked at. She would come in with her friends from her hockey or softball team,
and I would secretly drool over her. I flirted with her for months, until I finally had the nerve to ask her out. She said
yes. We were together for almost 5 years.
I met my soul mate through our mutual friend Meeshi at a swing dancing event. But I imagine we would have met
sooner or later being the only two swing dancing lesbians in San Diego.
My partner Taylor and I met through mutual friends, after seeing one another around town at numerous Dyke March
meetings and so on. When we first met, we were both in relationships, so we were friends for a while before taking
our relationship to the next level. Now we're together almost two years!
My recent ex and I met in New Orleans during a Halloween weekend, and she and I ended up together after having a
threesome with my first ex girlfriend at the time. Good times.
I am the manager of a small apartment complex part time. When I moved in, there was a really bitchy girl upstairs who
was hot, but had yelled at me because she didn't know the management had changed. Scared of her, I closed the
door on her. To make a long story short; Today (almost two years after the first incident), we are living happily ever
after.
I met most of my former girlfriends through AA/NA programs. However, I did meet my first ever girlfriend at a gas
station and we kept running into each other around town. We were together for four years.
I met my former lover at the one of two gay friendly bars in Wichita Falls, TX. I was attending a six month school at
Sheppard AFB, and by necessity, had to be very discrete in who I associated with. She and I became partners sort of
by default. Everyone else was already in a relationship. The community was so small, that virtually everyone had
gone with some, if not most of all the women at one time or another. It seemed downright incestuous. So every
Friday or Saturday night, invariably, there was a fight, because someone would show up at the bar with the ex of
someone else. When my school ended, not only was I happy to see the last of my partner, who had a "little" drinking
problem, but seeing Wichata Falls in my rear view mirror gave me an immense sense of joy.
A grunge fuck that blossomed into true love.
I met my first girlfriend at music camp. We were both counselors. Actually she was the cook. I would smile every time
she served me pancakes and then we started meeting for late-night talks after the sixth graders were asleep. She
gave me a cheap ring which I treasured. We started giving foot rubs, which led to back rubs, which led to chest rubs,
and well, you get the idea.
At an after hour party.
I was a Grad student at SDSU and was attending the first day of class when I noticed her and was immediately
attracted to her Viking-like frame. One day when she sat behind me in turning round, I melted into her bewitching
hazel eyes! A year later, we were walking in the park when she suddenly asked me to marry her. I didn't even have to
think twice as "Yes!" came out of my mouth from the depths of my soul!
On a camping trip. I had a crush on a(nother) woman, but when we got into the van (car pool), I met my future partner
for the first time. We were in the party van, drinking all the way there. By the time we pitched our tents our mutual
attraction was as clear to us as it was to everybody else on the kayak team. We kissed all night, and four years later,
in 2002, we had our commitment ceremony.
We met while I was on a date with my girlfriend at the time.
Through mutual friends. Well, I had just made friends with them. And my future girlfriend was dating one of them. I
stole my girl away from my new friend. We stayed together for a year and a half, until her life fell apart and we moved
on.
My partner and I met two years ago at Numbers, right after Bad Kitties had started. We have been inseparable since.
Recognizing Each Other
With seemingly endless possibilities to run into your dream woman, ironically, women still struggle with our
invisibility.
So how do we find each other, since we are a relatively small fraction of the population? If 1.5 out of 10 people have
homosexual tendencies, or are homosexual, then half – only 0.75 out of 10 – are lesbian, the other gay men.
International studies conducted at different times and in different countries, revealed that one to two out of every 20
women are lesbians. Some research has found that 50 percent of the women interviewed had lesbian experiences
and feelings. There would be many more lesbians if women had a free choice. But currently it is considered 'normal'
in most societies to be heterosexual (women loving men) and 'abnormal' to be homosexual (women loving women).
In sum, lesbians are not as easily identified as a redheads, women over 6 ft., or women with an accent. However,
whether it is through hormones - which is a theory not supported by data yet, through physical appearance, rules of
attraction, or another subtle messages we send off, we just know who is gay, we sense it. These phenomena of
mutual lesbian recognition fall under the commonly used term “gaydar”. Yet, what if the gaydar doesn’t go off? There
are tricky situations a lesbian might encounter. Clothes don’t necessarily give away sexual orientation. “It’s now a
new millennium and gay girls are wearing hot-to-trot fashions with the best of them, but before the lesbian chic craze
hit the pages of the world’s press, …any self-respecting lezza wouldn’t be caught dead with Chanel lipstick in her
cumbersome backpack,” (Queer 161). What about the girls who could pass as straight sorority girl, a married mother
of three, or the boss’s sexy assistant? Let’s just hope she makes a move first! Or, perhaps the ballsier lesbian might
dare to make the move herself, without any fear of rejection or even a homophobic backlash.
Although the data above is not scientifically reliable, the findings are intended to give hope to each woman who
wonders where to find the love of her life.
The fear of being single forever can cloud your good judgment, causing you to continue seeing a person who you
know you are not entirely satisfied with. You might do this because you will try to convince yourself that maybe you
have been too picky and being with anybody, even if the woman is not all you have ever wanted, is better than
nobody. “Looking for a partner is a process of making a match,” states Tessina. “The first step a matchmaker takes is
finding out what the client is like – and in your case, the ‘client’ is you.” Stop lying to yourself! You do not have to get
stuck with someone you are not entirely happy with, nor do you have to be single forever. “Most of us haven’t
stopped to take inventory of who we are as lovers, except perhaps in a negative and self-deprecating way…So the
search begins her: knowing yourself is the prerequisite for understanding what kind of person would be most
compatible with you- with your personality, your interests, your feelings, your habits, your pastimes and hobbies.”
Being honest and up front from the beginning is what will get you where you want to be and whom you want to be
with.
Meeting lesbians is not as hard as it appears. Being self confident, ready for a relationship are the starting points to
find that special one. Being in touch with the community might help even more.
By Amy Teeple and Bixi B. Craig
The question “Where do lesbians meet?” has been uttered and pondered by many single lesbians, by the coupled
friends of unattached lesbians who are trying to help them find a mate, and by people who are just trying to figure
out how the whole “gay thing” works. If you turn to movies for your answer, you may think that lesbians meet in gay
friendly coffee shops while having their term papers reviewed by their roommates, as Max and Ely did in Go Fish. Or
perhaps you will surmise that lesbians meet by coincidence in their apartment building as Syd and Lucy did in High
Art. There is always the chance that you will believe that lesbians meet while one of them is working at a gas station
and the other needs air in her tire as shown in the Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love. Better than
Chocolate fans may think that lesbians meet when one drives up in her van and saves the other from being
harassed. Depending on the movie selected, the possibilities are endless.
It turns out that reality is not too different than the movies in the fact that lesbians meet each other in various
locations. While not all the places lesbians meet may make a great movie scene, some of the places may shock, at
least surprise you.
According to the women
The Lavender Lens conducted a survey during Pride weekend 2004 and between February 15 and March 24, 2005,
asking women where they met their current or former partners.
The emphasis was on past or current relationships, regardless of length, but excluding dating situations and one-
night-stands. The participants – 108 total – represented all age groups, ranging from teens to slightly older women.
We categorized the responses into what we had assumed to be the most common locations where lesbians in San
Diego would find each other: Internet, Bar/Club, Coffee Shop, Groups/Community Events, School/Work, Blind Date,
Through Friends, and Other.
An analysis of all responses discloses that only 7% of the women who had entered relationships had met online. The
relationships that formed after coffee shop encounters represented only 1%, blind dates leading to partnerships only
comprised 4%. Groups and community events, including places such as church, coming out groups, LGBT student
unions, 12-step programs, Dyke March, etc. made up 11%. Meeting through friends was an equally common response
at 11%. Chance meetings at school and at work accounted for 10% of all respondents.
Surprisingly, close to one out of four participants (22%) met at the bar. We had expected bars, clubs, lounges, etc. to
be joints where casual affinities, such as dating and one-night-stands would come out of, rather than partnerships.
Researchers and lesbian relationship experts generally don’t recommend bars as domains to find the future wife.
“Where you go is what you get. Bars are not good hunting grounds if you want a successful relationship. In a bar, the
odds increase that you’ll find someone with a drinking problem and no life. Instead, find regularly scheduled
activities where you can meet and talk to like-minded people, getting to know them a bit before you decide to date
them. Classes, sports teams, lessons, hobby groups, community service organizations, discussion groups and
church groups are all likely places. If you go to places with activities that interest you, then anyone else you find
there will automatically have something in common with you – the activity. It gives you a great starting place for
conversation. If you know the type of person you’re looking for, and go to the right places to meet them, you’ll be
successful before you know it,” states Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist with over 25 years
experience in counseling and author of 11 books.
The category “Other”, representing all encounters that didn’t fit any of the main categories, by far outnumbered all
others. 35% of all women who responded to the survey had met their girlfriends or past partners in extraordinary
places. The survey reveals that each story is incredibly unique, although there are some meeting points that San
Diego lesbians share. The following are some of the tales that should give any single lesbian hope that there is a
relatively high chance that she will meet her life partner in a random place, a place that is only right for them at the
perfect time.
I was taking scuba lessons, and I met her outside the scuba place in Miramar. Walking out with my scuba equipment.
We locked eyes. Three months later she showed up at the Alano club for Bingo. She was a Bartender at the Flame.
My partner and I met back in 1998 at a meeting of Slightly Older Lesbians (now defunct). The group planned a
camping trip for the following week. She went with another member who was a friend. I went with a friend, as well.
We got together that weekend and have been together since. In fact, we celebrate that day as our anniversary
instead of our "wedding" date at MCC.
We met at a drum circle at Blacks Beach.
I met my ex-girlfriend when we were both studying abroad. I was assigned to a flat with four other girls and she
happened to be one of them.
She was my neighbor in L.A. in 1994. She lived three streets away from me. In San Diego, I wouldn’t consider her ‘my
neighbor’ but it’s a common thing in L.A. I lived with a gay man and his boy toys. When I saw Liz around, it was instant
attraction. If I remember correctly, we had a mutual acquaintance who introduced us to each other. I ended up
moving in and out of her place for a while.
She became the ex-girlfriend of my straight male roommate. She spent the night with him and after he left for work, I
served her coffee the next morning. Turns out she’s bi.
We met in a strip bar.
She worked at the Burlington Outlet in Clairemont, close to where I lived temporarily. I took many trips there, getting
random things I didn’t need. Eventually, I had the balls to ask her out. We were together for almost a year.
We met on the boardwalk, I was skating by on my skateboard, she was sitting on the seawall.
I met my girlfriend at the restaurant I worked at. She would come in with her friends from her hockey or softball team,
and I would secretly drool over her. I flirted with her for months, until I finally had the nerve to ask her out. She said
yes. We were together for almost 5 years.
I met my soul mate through our mutual friend Meeshi at a swing dancing event. But I imagine we would have met
sooner or later being the only two swing dancing lesbians in San Diego.
My partner Taylor and I met through mutual friends, after seeing one another around town at numerous Dyke March
meetings and so on. When we first met, we were both in relationships, so we were friends for a while before taking
our relationship to the next level. Now we're together almost two years!
My recent ex and I met in New Orleans during a Halloween weekend, and she and I ended up together after having a
threesome with my first ex girlfriend at the time. Good times.
I am the manager of a small apartment complex part time. When I moved in, there was a really bitchy girl upstairs who
was hot, but had yelled at me because she didn't know the management had changed. Scared of her, I closed the
door on her. To make a long story short; Today (almost two years after the first incident), we are living happily ever
after.
I met most of my former girlfriends through AA/NA programs. However, I did meet my first ever girlfriend at a gas
station and we kept running into each other around town. We were together for four years.
I met my former lover at the one of two gay friendly bars in Wichita Falls, TX. I was attending a six month school at
Sheppard AFB, and by necessity, had to be very discrete in who I associated with. She and I became partners sort of
by default. Everyone else was already in a relationship. The community was so small, that virtually everyone had
gone with some, if not most of all the women at one time or another. It seemed downright incestuous. So every
Friday or Saturday night, invariably, there was a fight, because someone would show up at the bar with the ex of
someone else. When my school ended, not only was I happy to see the last of my partner, who had a "little" drinking
problem, but seeing Wichata Falls in my rear view mirror gave me an immense sense of joy.
A grunge fuck that blossomed into true love.
I met my first girlfriend at music camp. We were both counselors. Actually she was the cook. I would smile every time
she served me pancakes and then we started meeting for late-night talks after the sixth graders were asleep. She
gave me a cheap ring which I treasured. We started giving foot rubs, which led to back rubs, which led to chest rubs,
and well, you get the idea.
At an after hour party.
I was a Grad student at SDSU and was attending the first day of class when I noticed her and was immediately
attracted to her Viking-like frame. One day when she sat behind me in turning round, I melted into her bewitching
hazel eyes! A year later, we were walking in the park when she suddenly asked me to marry her. I didn't even have to
think twice as "Yes!" came out of my mouth from the depths of my soul!
On a camping trip. I had a crush on a(nother) woman, but when we got into the van (car pool), I met my future partner
for the first time. We were in the party van, drinking all the way there. By the time we pitched our tents our mutual
attraction was as clear to us as it was to everybody else on the kayak team. We kissed all night, and four years later,
in 2002, we had our commitment ceremony.
We met while I was on a date with my girlfriend at the time.
Through mutual friends. Well, I had just made friends with them. And my future girlfriend was dating one of them. I
stole my girl away from my new friend. We stayed together for a year and a half, until her life fell apart and we moved
on.
My partner and I met two years ago at Numbers, right after Bad Kitties had started. We have been inseparable since.
Recognizing Each Other
With seemingly endless possibilities to run into your dream woman, ironically, women still struggle with our
invisibility.
So how do we find each other, since we are a relatively small fraction of the population? If 1.5 out of 10 people have
homosexual tendencies, or are homosexual, then half – only 0.75 out of 10 – are lesbian, the other gay men.
International studies conducted at different times and in different countries, revealed that one to two out of every 20
women are lesbians. Some research has found that 50 percent of the women interviewed had lesbian experiences
and feelings. There would be many more lesbians if women had a free choice. But currently it is considered 'normal'
in most societies to be heterosexual (women loving men) and 'abnormal' to be homosexual (women loving women).
In sum, lesbians are not as easily identified as a redheads, women over 6 ft., or women with an accent. However,
whether it is through hormones - which is a theory not supported by data yet, through physical appearance, rules of
attraction, or another subtle messages we send off, we just know who is gay, we sense it. These phenomena of
mutual lesbian recognition fall under the commonly used term “gaydar”. Yet, what if the gaydar doesn’t go off? There
are tricky situations a lesbian might encounter. Clothes don’t necessarily give away sexual orientation. “It’s now a
new millennium and gay girls are wearing hot-to-trot fashions with the best of them, but before the lesbian chic craze
hit the pages of the world’s press, …any self-respecting lezza wouldn’t be caught dead with Chanel lipstick in her
cumbersome backpack,” (Queer 161). What about the girls who could pass as straight sorority girl, a married mother
of three, or the boss’s sexy assistant? Let’s just hope she makes a move first! Or, perhaps the ballsier lesbian might
dare to make the move herself, without any fear of rejection or even a homophobic backlash.
Although the data above is not scientifically reliable, the findings are intended to give hope to each woman who
wonders where to find the love of her life.
The fear of being single forever can cloud your good judgment, causing you to continue seeing a person who you
know you are not entirely satisfied with. You might do this because you will try to convince yourself that maybe you
have been too picky and being with anybody, even if the woman is not all you have ever wanted, is better than
nobody. “Looking for a partner is a process of making a match,” states Tessina. “The first step a matchmaker takes is
finding out what the client is like – and in your case, the ‘client’ is you.” Stop lying to yourself! You do not have to get
stuck with someone you are not entirely happy with, nor do you have to be single forever. “Most of us haven’t
stopped to take inventory of who we are as lovers, except perhaps in a negative and self-deprecating way…So the
search begins her: knowing yourself is the prerequisite for understanding what kind of person would be most
compatible with you- with your personality, your interests, your feelings, your habits, your pastimes and hobbies.”
Being honest and up front from the beginning is what will get you where you want to be and whom you want to be
with.
Meeting lesbians is not as hard as it appears. Being self confident, ready for a relationship are the starting points to
find that special one. Being in touch with the community might help even more.