LESBIAN RESPONSIBILITY WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS |
ByBixi B. Craig, Publisher
Lesbian commitment would at least have a huge impact on the overall economic and emotional
stability as well as the wellbeing of the lesbian community. Think reality. Think drama. Think dating your
“ex’s ex”, moving in with her, and marrying with another four exes total in the wedding party. Think break
up and U-Haul, and another shot at lesbian love.
In a utopian world of human equality, gay women would never experience “otherness”, job discrimination,
sexual abuse trauma from childhood, power struggles, helplessness, and drama. In this world, gay
women make up 15% of all on-screen characters, gay women saturate the advertising market –
symbolizing confidence and power over sex, and lesbians are first class citizens and role models for
parenting and living in productive partnerships. Media is, after all only a representation, and incomplete
picture of lesbian culture and life.
The reasons for marriage have never been fully aligned with the “bliss of matrimony”. People have
gotten married for a variety of more or less selfish reasons, such as child support, immigration,
insurance, military benefits, a tax break. Interestingly, these motives are unknown to the lesbian
community. Lesbians want the ideal woman to share their life with, and soon. If the woman is somewhat off
from ideal, it might work too. There is always hope.
Responsibility means commitment, and this is harder to achieve than most life goals lesbians set for
themselves. Did you know that the average age of commitment to marriage in the gay communities of
Canada is 42, as compared to 26 in its heterosexual communities? Three years later, the age wedding
age gap is almost a generation. It is very moving to celebrate with Donna Phillips and Gladys Langsford,
who are named one of two “inspirational couples” by Pride this year, having spent 45 years together.
Our community sets no example when it comes to well-functioning interpersonal relationships. If women
are supposedly into each other, and want to be around other lesbians, kiss women, and seek
partnerships with women, why are we so dysfunctional? Why are gay women an in-cohesive mass,
separated by ageism, racism, geography, selfishness, and lack of flexibility among other inexcusable
barriers?
I’m afraid the lack of inspirational role models is not the reason for notorious relationship failure
experienced by so many gay people. Our community is not high up there on the scale of “commitment
fitness”. Seeking a balance of power, hormones, and sex roles are unique challenges to lesbian couples.
For example, many women with a low household income struggle with financial responsibility in their
relationship. All female couples deal with hormone imbalances and clashes at some point in their
partnership. Unsuccessful relationships, serial monogamy, serial dating, or eternal bachelorette status are
common life experiences of lesbian adults. Why are we not ready for commitment and responsibility? We
are not ready because hardship and past failure have given us a label that we have started to confuse with
our own identity.
Our social struggles have been associated with condition that is referred to as “Peter Pan
Syndrome”. Gay men are not the only ones who have been determined to be commitment phobic.
Lesbians, while always seeking partnerships, are not equipped with the best tools to make things work in a
committed relationship.
Can you imagine how strong we would stand, economically and socially, if we exhibited a higher level of
commitment to our partnerships? What if we really were the fastest growing, most desirable, trend setting
market?
Gay weddings do in fact boom in areas that have passed laws to recognize same-sex marriage; but
with the joy of being able to get hitched comes the burden or responsibility. Domestic partners have
already been lamenting about the financial loss to Uncle Sam. Albeit kick-in-the-butt domestic partnership
tax responsibilities, lesbians are getting the itch for proclaiming, ratifying, and searching for security in the
sanction of legal domestic partnership. Domestic bliss often disappears in a short time. In fact, dissolution
of gay partnerships is not documented statistically, but county clerks in Canada and Massachusetts have
confirmed that separation files have commonly been turned in soon after the marriage licenses had been
issued, often within a matter of a couple or a few months.
Even if the federal ban on gay marriages were to be lifted, and two military wo/men per day would remain
in the service after “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”, and immigrants could be sponsored by their same sex
spouses, and married couples could move from one state to the next without losing or gaining rights with
the territory, we would still abuse the vows just as much as, if not more than, the straight couples who
actually marry earlier than we do.
Gay marriages have drawn heavily funded resistance. Gay marriages have also been projected to
induce an economic stimulus booster in the billions. California has just become an attractive destination to
a demographic that is already successful above the national median. With a much lower parent rate than
the heterosexual majority, and to date no significant burdens of pricy divorces and alimonies, the LGBT
population is a viable market. Gay weddings signify the third publicity push after lesbian and gay chic in the
1990s and TV breakthrough in the 2000s.
Small businesses and corporations alike who have in the past consulted and worked with women
and their future husbands have little time to adjust and cater to the new demand. It is estimated that
spending on new weddings will be in the $2 billion range for businesses in the industry. The Williams
Institute for Sexual Orientation Law has released research findings that reveal that LGB employees who
get domestic partner benefits are more open in the workplace and have better mental health outcomes
than employees that do not get such benefits. Furthermore, partner benefits increase job satisfaction and
job retention, reducing recruitment and training costs for companies.
I do believe that once we are granted a solid support system, and this includes partnership feedback at
work, good relationships with neighbors, and social bonds with stable people, we will get better at
“partnership management”. Gay marriages in California and other places around the world are in
important step toward social and market integration, but as a people we live our lives within the limits that
we have been dealt in our surroundings and within our selves.
In closing I would like to share that we are celebrating California gay marriages today and every day and
we wish especially all San Diego couples in our community the very best and a bright future!
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